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Real victim in chronically underfunded First Nations child welfare system is feds, feds say

Dressed in rags, lawyers for the government argued in a federal court that having to pay compensation to First Nations children who were apprehended by the thousands into a child welfare system they chronically underfund would cause “irreparable harm” to Canada.

“Ohh, p-p-p-leaase, kind sir, don’t make us pay these First Nations children that we totally harmed,” the lawyers said, suddenly backed by sad violin music. 

“For what little billions we had, we spent on a pipeline. Oh and we also gave some money to a family of billionaires so they could buy new freezers — you know, as one does.”

Justin Trudeau spoke to reporters in Toronto, where non-Indigenous kids have far more resources than First Nations kids.

“Look, no one is saying First Nations kids shouldn’t be compensated,” Trudeau said, even though lawyers for Canada are totally saying First Nations kids shouldn’t be compensated.

“I’m just saying, can’t we deal with this shit after you re-elect me? You know I’m good for it.”

Meanwhile, Conservative leader Andrew Scheer punched a hole in the drywall to demonstrate how angry he was that Trudeau denied him the ecstasy of blocking the compensation himself.