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Earliest European settlers ‘huge a–holes’: Indigenous researchers

A team of Indigenous researchers say they’ve unearthed ‘definitive proof’ that the earliest European settlers in what is now North America were ‘huge a—holes.’

The researchers, part of the First Nations University of Canada, spent years pouring over ancient texts and exploring archaeological sites. They announced their findings at the World Archaeological Congress in Kyoto, Japan.

“From the way in which they organized their settlements, even the very clothes they wore, it’s painfully obvious that they were indeed huge a–holes,” said lead researcher Janice Maytawashing.

“The shards of clay trade pipes strewn about, poor trading practices, to the very layouts of the shelters, we have little doubt these early settlers were truly insufferable p—-s,” added Sheldon Moostoos, who led the team’s sonar exploration.

After presenting their findings, the team led a question and answer with the shocked conference before dropping their mics in unison and strutting out of the building.