Denying the existence of hell has nothing to do with a controversial refusal to apologize for the Catholic Church’s role in residential schools, a sweaty, nervous Pope Francis announced on Monday.
“Yeah, no, my refusal to admit the existence of a burning pit of eternal damnation has nothing at all to do with my refusal to apologize for the Catholic Church’s role in the largest child sex abuse scandal in history,” His Holiness said, wiping sweat from his brow and loosening his collar.
“Purely coincidental. Purely.”
A spokesperson from The Vatican said that while the Pope will not, cannot, apologize for the horrors caused by the schools—the effects of which are still painfully evident today—he would be glad to visit with Indigenous leaders in the future, who are welcome to kiss his Papal Ring freely and as many times as they please.