OTTAWA—In an 11th hour deal, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has announced a breakthrough on the controversial Trans Mountain pipeline by amending its payload. Now, in addition to dilbit and bitumen, the pipeline will carry drinking water to reserves that need it.
“The plan is dead simple,” said a beaming but clearly exhausted Trudeau, who personally brokered the deal with holdout Chiefs in an all-night negotiation session. “On even days, Trans Mountain will transport bitumen. On odd days, it’ll supply the drinking water First Nations so desperately need.”
“It’s win-win,” concluded a tearful Trudeau. “Canada gets to move its oil to market, Indigenous people get a necessity of life.”
Assembly of First Nations National Chief Perry Bellegarde praised the deal: “Who said oil and water don’t mix?”
“It’s amazing how quickly things can be pulled together when profits are at stake. Vote Perry!”
Long the object of fierce Indigenous resistance (along with much support, according to the company initially behind the pipeline), the Trans Mountain pipeline once seemed politically and legally unviable. The federal government even went so far as to nationalize the project to try and make it happen.
Indigenous Services Minister Jane Philpott was unavailable for comment at press time, but, in an email, a spokesperson said that the minister does look forward to watching a community member take their first sip of “Trans Mountain water.”