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Cold grips nation for first time in history, apparently

Almost the entire country is in the grip of frigid temperatures, for the first time in history or something.

“We believe it’s a rare phenomenon called winter,” said meteorologist Lily LeBlanc.

“Will it return next year? That’s the million dollar question.”

In a live, televised statement, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau urged calm while officials in major cities called on motorists to speed up and tailgate other drivers as much as possible.

“I cannot stress this enough, stop at the last possible second when roads are icy and there are pedestrians,” Winnipeg’s police chief told reporters.

In the midst of the chaos, however, tales of courage have emerged.

Defying all odds, a group of kokums still made it to bingo in Northern Saskatchewan. In fact, 87-year-old Elsie Issac simply bundled up, stepped outside her door and with a push of her cane, slid the entire 3km to the bingo hall.